Monday, September 01, 2014

Vacation Vixen: Jennifer Lawrence

To the fucknut who hacked Jennifer Lawrence (and other famous women’s) phone and stole TOTALLY PERSONAL, TOTALLY PRIVATE photos and then posted them all over the Internet: Fuck you, you worthless excuse for a fucking human being. We live in such a fucked up world sometimes. If you wouldn’t go to Jennifer Lawrence’s house and peep in her window to see her in a TOTALLY PERSONAL, TOTALLY PRIVATE setting, then you shouldn’t be looking at these stolen photos online either. I happened upon some accidentally after landing from a long flight yesterday and felt so fucking gross. I’m mad that I saw what little I saw. And fuck this shit about “they shouldn’t have taken naked pictures in the first place…” All women, yes - even famous women, are allowed to do whatever they want with their bodies consensually. What is not allowed is for someone else to do whatever they want with said bodies nonconsensually. What is wrong with people? Anyway. Sorry, didn’t mean to start off my vacation with so much swearing. But, a little righteous anger is a good way to clear out the cobwebs. Keep your head up, Jennifer. You (and the other women whose photos were flat-out stolen) did nothing wrong. I join you in one-fingered solidarity against that fucknut hacker thief who did everything wrong. Fuck you, dude. Seriously. FUCK YOU.

Friday, August 29, 2014

My Weekend Crush

You know who needs more screentime? Senior Criminalist Susie Chang. Now this may seem counterintuitive, given that almost every time Susie pops up on screen she is crotchblocking Jane and Maura. But I really enjoy her interactions with them, when she isn’t interrupting their flirting over dead bodies. Actually, she’s kind of critical to the continued rom-comesque feel of the show. Jane and Maura are clearly meant for each other, and Susie (and being closeted) is the obstacle they need to overcome. See, it’s classic. You can’t fight the formula, people.

Though, in all seriousness, I think Tina Huang plays well against both Sasha Alexander and Angie Harmon. Her chemistry mixes well with theirs, plus she seems like a fun gal if you follow her on the Tweeter Machine.

Plus, Susie can make you a kick-ass lesbian diorama. And she’s a nudist. Hold up, that means there is a 100 percent chance there are nudie dioramas somewhere. And there’s about a 95 percent change she has made naked dioramas of Jane and Maura together. Please, everyone at the precinct knows. Especially Susie. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. If you have’t read this week’s recap yet, featuring Sr. Criminalist Susie Chang, check it out here.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

But We're in Fresno

1,2,3,4, I won't take no anymore. 5,6,7,8 Now we don’t have to because they’re reuniting. Fine. That cheer totally doesn’t work. But the sentiment is true because just the thought of Natasha Lyonne reuniting with her “But I’m a Cheerleader” director Jamie Babbit is making me want to shake some pom-poms.

The women will reunite for “Fresno,” what sounds like a dark comedy about two sisters who wind up in the title city cleaning hotel rooms together. Natasha plays the “stoic lesbian” sister and Judy Greer plays the “sex addict with no impulse control and a long history of poor decisions.” According to Deadline:

“When they accidentally kill a guest, the sisters are forced to confront their unpleasant co-dependent relationship.”
So it’s “Sunshine Cleaning” with more murder and more overt lesbianism, hopefully?

The movie is just brimming with talented gay lady bona fides. In addition to Jamie, the script comes from out “Portlandia” writer Karey Dornetto and is being produced by Jamie’s ex, Andrea Sperling, who is also producing the much buzzed about Amazon show “Transparent.” Yeah, Fresno is that gay. No word yet if Anne Heche will show up, too, searching for the mother ship.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

SGALGG: Emmys Edition

Piper & Alex 4EVA. God, I know I shouldn’t because of all The Reasons. But I just love seeing Piper and Alex together. Or, you know, Taylor Schilling and Laura Prepon for those who insist on reality. I mean the way they look at each other – God DAMN. Too bad “Orange Is the New Black” got totally shivved by the Emmys. Still, it was fun to watch all the Straight (and Gay Gals) Acting Like Gay Gals all night long. Sure, all of the same people won again. But we won because, you know, amazing ladies looking amazing together. (Except that thing where the producers weren’t listening when Beyoncé taught the world about feminism and literally put a woman on a lazy Susan to turn while a man spoke. Ooof.)

Natalie Dormer & Lucy Liu
Whoa, suddenly I ship Moriarty and Watson.

Sarah Paulson & Lizzy Caplan
Ugh, now I ship this, too.

Angela Bassett & Jessica Lange
The Voodoo Queen and the Supreme together is the definition of bow down, bitches.

Allison Janney & Kate Walsh
I love these women. I do (have) not watch their shows. Counterintuitive, but true.

Amy Poehler & Julia Louis-Dreyfus
You know, I have nothing against Elaine Benes. But I want Leslie Knope to kick her ass and take her Emmys.

Claire Danes & Allison Williams
Angela Chase would never be friends with Marnie Michaels. You know that’s true.

Padma Lakshmi & Christina Hendricks
I want Padma to cook for Christina and then feed each other. I’m sorry, did I just say a fantasy out loud?

Lena Dunham & Uzo Aduba
Cast Crazy Eyes on “Girls” next. You know the whole OITNB cast is going on that show at some point.

Laura Prepon & Natasha Lyonne
Natasha is thinking about the time she and Prepon made out. Clearly.

Yael Stone & Lea DeLaria
Best Gay Prom Couple Ever.

Lauren Morelli & Samira Wiley
They are lesbians. They’re lesbianing together. Allegedly.

Sarah Silverman
Love the dress. Love the bare feet. Love that she beat a category filled entirely with men.

Lena Headey
Like I was going to leave her out. Pshaw.

Kate McKinnon
Love her. That’s all.

Laverne Cox
Love her, too. Now that’s all.

Alexandra Hedison & Jodie Foster
Those are the smirks of some very, very happy lesbian newlyweds.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Leaving Girl

My heart, my poor, poor little human heart. Yesterday the stunning news came that “Lost Girl” was going to end after its upcoming fifth season. I honestly did not see it coming. I thought it had a good two seasons left in the tank. But I think they were very, very smart to allow Anna Silk herself to announce the bad news to fans. It was a classy move for a show that has always treated its fans with class. And, I admit it, when Anna got a little teary I got a little teary. Hey, I said I was only human.

This show has blazed a trail as one of the very, very, very few to revolve around a singular gay female character. Granted, there probably won’t be another bisexual succubus on television anytime soon. But it mattered that this show was about Bo. And it mattered who Bo loved. And it mattered that they showed that love.

Annd spoke about the show’s impact with Entertainment Weekly as well. This is a cast who, believe me, has always known the impact they have had on fans. And they have never taken us for granted. As she told EW:

“I think the most impactful fan encounter I had was with Zoie. We had a young woman come to us, and she was just shaking and crying and said, ‘It’s because of you guys that I was able to come out, and talk to my parents about it.’ It meant so much to her, and that meant so much to us, because Zoie and I always said from the beginning that we wanted the relationship to be real. It’s not just two chicks making out on TV. That won’t resonate with people. I mean, it will resonate with some people. But it was never that. I remember that young woman, just the way she spoke and the shaking—it took a lot of courage for her to come and tell us that. I get really nice fan letters that say things like, ‘Thanks for making me feel more brave.’ I think growing up everyone has people that they look up to—whether that’s celebrities or characters on TV that make them feel stronger. I think that’s important.”
Yes, yes, it is important. I will very much miss this show. And I sincerely hope I see its talented cast (Anna, Zoie, Ksenia, Rachel, Emmanuelle et al) on my teevee again very soon. But for now, let’s cross our fingers and hope our fine Fae and human friends ride off into a blaze of glory with the glorious ending they deserve. Dammit, did I mention I’m going to miss this show?

Monday, August 25, 2014

Bow down, feminists

Say what you will about Beyoncé (and what you’re saying is a little prayer, as she has taken over as our pop culture lord and savior), but she has never shied away from the F-word. Yes, she’s a feminist. It’s right there on the screen at the MTV VMAs. No mistaking. And regardless of what you think of Beyoncé’s pop iconography or booty shakes or personal dramas (hey, sometimes shit goes down when there’s a billion dollars on an elevator), I think it’s wonderful she would choose this moment to promote the ideal. I’d happily gif feminism any day.

And, like in her single, Queen Bey again sampled Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED speech “We should all be feminists,” which said:

We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, ‘You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you will threaten the man.

Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.
Now that sentiment is the perfect way to start off a week, hell, a life. Is there a bucket of ice we can throw at each other for feminism to go viral?

p.s. See her entire, insane, VMA Vanguard Award performance here. Bow down, indeed.

Friday, August 22, 2014

My Weekend (Real Estate) Crush

If you’ve ever dreamed of owning the most perfect lesbian flower shop in the world, this is your chance. The shop formerly known as Flowered Up from “Imagine Me & You” is for sale. The London location is/was actually a shop called Fonthill Pottery, which the producers of the film rented out to use as Luce’s little corner shop. But now (thanks to a head up from reader @defygravity1974), the store is for sale.

THIS IS OUR CHANCE, LESBIANS! Kickstarter to buy Flowered Up and turn it into a real floral shop/lesbian mecca! Who is in?

Alas, even if we did buy it, I highly doubt it comes with Lena Headey’s smiling face. Sigh. But, goodness, the memories.

Happy daydreaming and weekend, all.

p.s. But really, this thing would be a total moneymaker. Turn the back room into an exclusive make-out spot. Charge extra for a bed of roses to get thorns in your bum. Think about it. This could work.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Their hair is full of secrets

Yesterday Lindsay Lohan (I know, I’m sorry) posted this selfie of her reuniting with Tina Fey. The two were together for an EW photoshoot celebrating the 10th anniversary of “Mean Girls.” The photo (which she apparently since deleted off her Instagram, oh LiLo) reminds me of two of my favorite things: First, Tina Fey – duh. And second, early 2000s Lindsay Lohan. So I guess in a way it also makes me sad, because so much has happened for her since those 2004 glory days. But who knows. Maybe Tina can write her comeback vehicle and she will finally realize her potential we all saw on “The Parent Trap” all those years ago. Women helping women. That’s just like the rules of feminism. I mean, that’s highly doubtful. But we can dream. Until then, get in losers, we’re going shopping.

p.s. Though tthe real and lingering question from “Mean Girls” isn’t what happened to Lindsay’s career, but whether Janis Ian really had any lesbian tendencies or not. I say, despite her dancing with the mathlete, yes. Come on, once she got to college? Totally too gay to function.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Throw Like Mo'ne

Throw like a girl. Play like a girl. Punch like a girl. All that gendered bullshit we’ve heard all our lives. The horrible insult of it all to be associated with girlness. It’s a wonder any of us make it our of childhood to become fully functioning human beings what with our inherent terribleness.

Yes, pity us – the girls of the world. Oh, wait, did I say pity? I meant respect us. Appreciate us. And if you’re a batter staring down the barrel of Mo’ne Davis’ 70-mph fastball, fear us. The 13-year-old became the first girl to throw a shutout in the Little League World Series. Her accomplishment also landed her the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine, thus becoming the first Little Leaguer ever to receive the honor.

Mo’ne is also the 17th girl to play in the Little League World Series in 68 years. The sixth to record a hit and the fourth to post an RBI. Well, they can’t all be firsts – and that’s a good thing.

The best thing about her success is her very cool, very refreshing attitude about herself. When asked to describe her pitching she said:

“I throw my curveball like Clayton Kershaw and my fastball like Mo’ne Davis.”
Damn right, you do. Someone put “Throw Like Mo’ne” on a T-shirt, immediately.

Mo’ne and her Philly Taney Dragons play against Las Vegas on ESPN tonight. Start your throw like Mo’ne chants now.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

K-Stew Strong

Maybe Kristen Stewart is your thing, maybe she isn’t. Maybe prisoner detainees of war movies are your thing, maybe they aren’t. But I do know that Kristen Stewart in military fatigues is something relevant to most lesbian interests. So I post this as a public service to my people’s. As Demi Moore and her shaved head were a sexual awakening to many a burgeoning 1990s gay lady, so may K-Stew and her gunny cap be to 2010s kids. Be all that you can be, K-Stew.