Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Face Time

I do not have a problem with Renee Zellweger’s face. I have never had a problem with Renee Zellweger’s face. And I do not anticipate having a problem with Renee Zellweger’s face in the future. This is because Renee Zellweger’s face has never done anything to me personally, as a human being. I expect it to stay that way baring a chance encounter where we’re both bending down to pick up a package and her face smacks into my face, we laugh about it, decide to have a coffee to continue laughing and then become BFFs who laugh together to the irritation of all those around us over the in-joke of our faces smashing into each other that one fateful day. Otherwise, Renee Zellweger’s face and I have no relationship whatsoever.

But yesterday the entire fucking Internet couldn’t stop talking about its deep personal relationship with Renee Zellweger’s face. That’s the only reason I can think for all the fussing and worrying and tittering and squawking about Renee Zellweger’s face. Everyone on The Internet must know it personally and therefore it’s state of being is an integral part of everyone’s life. Otherwise, it would just be silly to monitor and scrutinize and compare and hypothesize so much about Renee Zellweger’s face.

Women in general and women in Hollywood in particular have become so accustomed to the world’s scrutiny of our faces, our bodies, our lives that we hardly think it unusual. Of course people are noticing and judging and clucking behind our backs. Of course. Nothing unusual about that. But you know what, it is unusual. It’s downright peculiar. What does it matter to you or me or the Shih Tzu that lives next door that something may or may not look a little different about Renee Zellweger’s face? How do whatever procedures that may or may not have been done to Renee Zellweger’s face impact my day-to-day life? Has it made me late for the bus? Did it make me bounce the rent check? Will it make me nachos for dinner? Nope, nope and – dammit – nope.

So what that Renee Zellweger’s face looks a little different. It’s her face. We’ve become so conditioned to judge ourselves and each other that we barely notice how unbearable that spot between the rock and the hard place we are wedged has become. We’re damned if we do (OMG, look at her face – pre-surgery), and damned if we don’t (OMG, look at her face – post-surgery). Now, I’m no fan of cosmetic procedures. I wish we lived in a society where we all felt comfortable enough in our own skin to just leave ourselves be. But I certainly don’t feel we should heap scorn on those who feel differently. Our perception of our beauty is so wrapped up in the cultural perception of our beauty that too often there is no distinction.

Which brings me back to Renee Zellweger’s face. Like I said, I have no problem with Renee Zellweger’s face’s face. But I have a lot of problems with how we’ve all reacted to Renee Zellweger’s face.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Tank Top Tuesday

Each time I post a Tank Top Tuesday I struggle to find a theme. The universal theme is hotness, because ladies in tank tops are hot. Duh. But specificity is also important. So if the family is hot, then the genus is brunettes. Sorry blondes, sometimes we’re the ones having more fun. But wait, there’s more. If the kingdom is hot and the genus is brunettes, the species would be tasteful black and whites. Hey, I didn’t make the hierarchy of biological classification, I just put things into their place. Or that was a really long-winded excuse to post Shay Mitchell in her tank top on the beach. And all these other hot, brunettes in black and white. Just keeping it orderly.

Emmanuelle Vaugier

I continue to feel inconsolable about the end of “Lost Girl,” and it hasn’t even started yet.

Angie Harmon

I am considerably less bereft about the cliffhanger on “Rizzoli & Isles.” It’s not like they are going to rename the show “Isles & Her Wikipedia-Like Memory.“

Julia Ormond

Apparently she’s on some Lifetime show about witches. I haven’t watched and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

Hettienne Park

She is definitely on that show about the cannibalistic serial killer. I haven’t watched that either, but only because I can’t spare the nightmares.

Kristin Scott Thomas

Remember when she said she was a lesbian once in college? That’s back when we all still thought Hugh Grant was charming.

Juliette Binoche

I fear I’m probably getting my hopes up too much about her lesbianing together with K-Stew in “Clouds of Sils Maria.” But a gal can dream.

Jada Pinkett Smith

I still don’t understand her speech pattern on “Gotham,” but I do appreciate her swagger. The lady brings her own bat.

Must Kill TV

With all due disrespect (see what I did there, eh eh?) to pimps, it’s hard out there for a lesbian/bisexual character. This has been a brutal year for queer females on television. Tara Thornton. Leslie Shay. Sara Lance. Dead. Dead. Deadity dead.

Things are so dire that I only half jokingly called a future bride-to-be in a coma a slightly positive representation for queer female characters. Yes, really.

So, what’s up? Why do we keep getting offed? Granted, it’s not that lesbian characters are the only ones getting axed. But with the continued underrepresentation (and decline) of queer female characters on TV (we went from 43 percent of all the queer characters on TV to 40 percent in the last year), each loss matters even more.

The most galling thing about these deaths is not necessarily that they happened, but why they happened. In almost every instance the death was declared a motivating factor for another character or characters. True Blood executive producer Angela Robinson said, “We need to kill someone to show that the stakes are really high going into the last season.” The Chicago Fire executive producer said they chose Shay because she “affected the most people.” And an Arrow executive producer said Sara was picked because “it buys us a lot of story.”

In essence, these queer characters’ lives were less important than what these queer characters’ deaths means to the plot. We’re disposable, plot devices, motivations for the characters who really matter.

Look, I don’t doubt that these TV producers earnestly felt the deaths were necessary. But by not taking in account the added import of every queer character on television they did us all a disservice. Does this mean you can never kill off your LGBT characters? Of course not, you kill whichever characters you want, you heartless TV dream killing bastards – I mean, writers. But think, really think, if there’s another way to make the same point that lets a gay character live on and become a fully realized part of your show instead. In other words, try harder. We’re people, not plot points.

p.s. Also, yo The Good Wife writers, don’t be getting any funny ideas about killing off Kalinda now that Archie Panjabi is leaving the show. I mean it, no funny business.

Friday, October 17, 2014

My Weekend Crush

This is EXACTLY how I would react if I met Hillary Clinton. So thank you, little 10-year-old Macy Friday, for being the Hillary fangirl inside all of us. Happy weekend, all.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Gender Fuck Thursday: Putting on the Ritz

I’ve got spirit, yes I do. I’ve got spirit, how about you? So she isn’t wearing purple for Spirit Day, but just this once I think you’ll probably forgive me. Please enjoy Glenn Glose on the cover of The Hollywood Reporter. Really soak her in. I find staring at her in this most outstanding of tuxedos makes the universe feel like a better place. If only just a little. Also, did you know Glenn grew up in a crazy cult as a kid? Neither did I!



She really cuts a dashing figure, that lady. So, fine, it is not in purple. But it is a Thursday, after all. So the theme still holds for me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

All Wet

You guys, I have been barely keeping my head above water with work and life and blog and such this month. I know, I know, everyone is swamped. Life is the definition of busy. I ask that you please excuse this paltry excuse for a post today in the name of the general beleaguered and overworked state of humanity. Also, it is a pretty lady getting dunked in water (and for a good cause). So, you know, still not too shabby.

p.s. I love how Ellen pretends to not want to dunk her wife, but then is not-so secretly gleeful once Portia goes down. Don’t worry, she saves it by being sweet and apologetic. Or is that her “Please still sleep with me tonight” face?

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

On Thursday We Wear Purple

Hey, Oct. 16 (Thursday, I think that’s Thursday) is Spirit Day. And a couple of the ladies from Orange Is the New Black have lent their support for the Spirit Day spirit. So while they normally wear orange, on Thursday they will wear purple. Which is really sweet.

Also, did you know almost every single OITNB actors has been on Law & Order? Autostraddle did an epic post finding all of their on screen L&O moments. And Vulture followed up with clips. See, now this was why The Series of Tubes was made. To give us this kind of masterclip joy. Cue chung-chung sound.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Howdy, Partner

Straight girls, amirite? It’s a tale as old as time, tune as old as song, beauty and the ultimately unattainable straight girl. I’ve been hearing a lot of good rumblings about “Life Partners” since Cannes this spring. The story of two co-dependent female friends – one gay and one straight played by Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester and Community’s Gillian Jacobs, respectively. But I wasn’t totallyintoitlikeomg until I saw the trailer. And, immediately, it struck that chord of female friendship I think we’ve all had at some point in our lives. That friend you feel certain you can’t live without. Until, for some of us, one day we do. Of course, it becomes especially complicated in a straight girl-lesbian relationship. Can I get an “Amen!” But it’s not just the gay lady, straight lady dynamic that makes me want to see this movie. It’s that really good movies about the complicated, weird and often so incredibly wonderful thing that is female friendships don’t get made that often. At least not ones that don’t use singing into a hairbrush together as shorthand for emotional depth. So sign me me. I’m there. Just don’t break my heart, straight girl. Or gay girl. Really, just be nice to one another. Sorry, am I rambling? I do that sometimes with my female friends. Don’t worry, I know you understand. Right, friend?

Friday, October 10, 2014

My Weekend Crush

For all the innumerable sins Ryan Murphy has committed against television, his one hope for salvation is the gainful employment of Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates and Jessica Lange all in one show. (There’s also Sarah Paulson, but I feel sure she would have been snapped up by someone else smart soon enough.) It’s hard to think of another show that employs so many Oscar-nominated women over the age of 55 in starring and non-grandmotherly roles. Think very hard. Yeah, like I said, it’s hard.

Of those three very, very talented ladies I really, really want Angela Bassett to shine this season. I was, quite frankly, underwhelmed by her role as Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau in “American Horror Story: Coven.” This was, of course, not her fault. The scripts gave her little more to do sometimes than cackle. Oh, but what a magnificent one it was. So now with “American Horror Story: Freak Show,” I hope against hope that Murphy and the powers that be will finally take full advantage of everything this woman can truly do. And, no, I am not referring to her three boobs...necessarily.

Hollywood has had a bit of a hard time deciding what to do with Angela over the years. Her brilliance grabbed you by the scruff of the neck and wouldn’t let go in movies like “Malcolm X,” “What's Love Got to Do with It” and “Waiting to Exhale.” I particularly liked her in badass mode in Kathryn Bigelow’s underrated “Strange Days.” But for every good role, there have been too many forgettable ones. “Mr. 3000,” “Green Lantern,” “Jumping the Broom.” What? Huh? Really? Of course, I don’t blame her for that either.

So now, with AHS: Freak Show, Hollywood has one more chance to do right by her. We know she is capable, but are they? We shall see. Happy weekend, all.

p.s. Just a reminder, this lady is 56 and still goddamn, goddamn.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Gender Fuck Thursday: The Payoff

Remember back in May when Cate Blanchett, Emily Blunt and Zhou Xun were walking and boating around Portofino in the most impeccable tuxedos you’ve ever seen in your whole damn life and your entire body was like, UNF GURGLE FAINT? Remember? Well, the finished images and video from that heaven-send photoshoot have been released, finally.



Yes, yes, it’s for a stupid watch commercial. Yes, yes, I agree Ewan McGregor and Christoph Waltz are a waste of valuable time we could be staring at Cate, Emily and Xun. But, sweet fancy Moses, is that a lot of gorgeous happening. I can’t even decide which pictures I like best.

Like, which Cate is better? This?



Or this?



Which Emily? This?



Or This?



Which Xun? This?



Or this, with bonus Emily?



THERE IS NO WAY TO CHOOSE DON’T MAKE ME, YOU MONSTER.

I’m not even kidding when I say many days I’d rather look at a woman in an impeccably tailored suit than a tiny string bikini. This is one of those days. There’s just so much richness for the eyes to linger on. The mystery and the elegance.

Oh, shut up, idiot. It’s hot. It’s just fucking hot. They look hot. They make you hot. Everything’s hot. In conclusions, to summarize, as I was saying, HOT.



OK, IWC. I will buy all of your dumb watches immediately if each one comes with a Cate, Emily of Xun of our choice – preferably all three. In suits. The suits are non-negotiable. Seriously, keep the watches. Leave the ladies in the suits.



p.s. I made this gif for you because I love you. Ciao, bella.


Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Mind the Gap

I would have posted this for Sarah Silverman’s unique name for her girls alone. But the message is an important one as well. Granted, I don’t suggest we all get surgically enhanced (unless you want to, or need to, or are one of our trans friends, etc.). Anyway, please enjoy. Also, I’m totally kicking myself for not thinking of that boob name before her.

E.T.A.: